Monday, July 18, 2005

What Is This?

I hope this thing stuck in my throat is not what I think it is. At first, I thought it was a piece of food or something that just would not go away. That was two weeks ago.

It feels like a pea is stuck on the left side of my Adams apple. I feel it each time I swallow and whenever I eat something. Part of my really wants to believe it's a piece of food, part of me knows that pieces of food don't stay stuck anywhere for more than 14 days.

Another part of my believes that it's a symptom of an allergy I did not have until this July. Seems like a logical, standard escapist response from my mind. I am, really, rather amazing at coming up with alternate explanations for the obviously unpleasant things in my life.

Somehow I know, however, that allergic reactions to environmental factors do not work this way. I first noticed the symptom on the way down to Myrtle Beach (hmmm, was I smoking too much that week? yes!) and it has been getting steadily worse over the last few weeks. At first, it was just a little tickle in my throat. Now it feels like each day it gets to be more and more noticeable.

I had a couple of reasons for not being able to sleep last night and the wired, nervous feeling I got each time I swallowed really did not help. So, even though I got home at 1:30AM last night and should have fallen right asleep, I did not actually pass out until 2:45AM, from thinking and worrying too much.

So when my alarm went off at 5:20AM this morning, I was exhausted and did not actually get up and run like I should have. In fact, instead of doing what I told myself I would, I hit the "snooze" button until 5:40 and then I went ahead, gave up, and set the alarm off until 7:20. At 7:20, I set it back to 8:20.

I wish I could fall asleep like I could when I was a child, or when I had someone to sleep next to. The comfort added to one's bed by the regular presence of a woman is something I can hardly remember, but remember enough to know that it makes sleeping a lot easier -- for what reason, exactly, I do not know.

I wish I could wake up like I could when I was a child. I must be getting old.

I am going to have to call the doctor today or tomorrow about this. Part of me wants to know what is really going on ... part of me is pretty sure what is going on and does not want to face the issue head on with the facts a doctor could provide. I think that is the same part of me that knows I am not currently be able to make peace with myself or with my world. I do not know how long it will be, if ever, that I will be able to reach a level of peace that would allow me to leave this without guilt or fear.

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