Friday, June 03, 2005

On Being Alone and Other Things

I've been alone for a while now and I am having increasing difficulty dealing with it. The revelation I had today was that perhaps I should not try to deal with it, instead, try to accept that fact that I am alone and will be alone for most of my life.

The logical thing to do is to deal with it -- not fight it. This is a common issue with my personality -- I tend to rage against the obvious and immutable facts of my existence long after a normal person would have given up.

Take, for example, my situation at my last job. No normal person would have continued at that level of commitment in that environment -- the unbalance of the situation was so painfully obvious to everyone but me. My reaction was not to accept and adjust. Instead of dealing with the situation I simply redoubled my efforts and did tried not to face reality.

So, if I can recognize that in hindsight, perhaps I can recognize it in current situations. For example, the fact that I do not have a girlfriend nor, apparently, the ability to find one in my present situation. I should focus, not on trying to change that fact, but simply force myself to shed the feelings of disappointment over being alone. If I could deal, directly and honestly, with the fact that I have no significant relationships in my life I imagine I would be a happier person.

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