Monday, June 10, 2002

Things have gotten a little better. Or at least, they have continued on. That is to say, I’m still here. Work is going well, progress with SAGE is satisfactory, at least to me. Nikki and I showed it to Heather this week – she seemed impressed but I think she is worried about getting a deployment on the timetable we’ve laid down.

Jessie left today. For the entire summer. I’m feeling pretty weird about that right now … we just said goodbye and she left. I feel numb. Perhaps this is because I’ve known for so long that she was going. I can’t even imagine how it would be if I hadn’t know ahead of time.

She is gone, and I cannot do anything about it. I cannot do anything but be myself, by myself, and wait. Well, I still have the choice of waiting, that at least I can keep always for myself.

Perhaps I will not wait. Perhaps she is right, we are not supposed to be together forever, and I know that deep down I must agree with her thoughts on other women. I don’t want anyone but Jessie right now, but perhaps if I hold to that, I’ll regret it later. I love Jessie for what she is trying to do – win me over, keep me but make sure that I don’t end up angry at her and in a relationship that neither of us really needed to start so early.

It is probably best if I go my own way now. If Jessie and I really love each other, we’ll find each other again. If we are destined to be with each other, God will work it out. In that, I have faith.

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