Monday, June 24, 2002

Some things have changed. I just got back from Bonnaroo music festival … I wrote Jessica an e-mail today … I was trying to be nice, help her remember me a little in a positive way. Perhaps it will do more harm than good.

I got to see Andrew this weekend. I had a good time, we went all the way down to Tennessee. Dancing and stuff … Ashley did come through for me, Drew came through for me, and some random guy at the show came through. I have a tupperware container full of my favorite dried plant material …

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

I am sitting next to this new guy at work … John Hermes. He is a cool guy, a big UNIX head (he even wears suspenders!) I like talking to him, getting his perspective on things is interesting. He also told me that in this area multiple companies provided DSL. I wonder if that requires a local line via Ameribitches or not. I hope that it does not. If it does, well, that rather defeats the purpose. I really think that Ameritech took advantage of me on purpose.

Boy oh boy I have been writing in this a lot since Jessie left. Maybe it is my need to talk to someone, person or laptop, after dark. Perhaps it is being lonely, or trying to be un-lonley that keeps me adding line after line of uninspired and uninspired text to this pitifully short record of my pitiful life

As you can tell, tonight, I am in a good mood. I think at some point after my message above, I went back to work … wrote up a good list of things that suck about ASP/CF but rock in SAGE. SAGE sure is cool … I wonder if other people will be convinced. Perhaps, SAGE will only be able to convince me. I did make the entire thing up …

Ok with some help from PERL and the folks at Vanguard Media. HTML::Template and CGI::Application (the object frameworks being used to develop SAGE) sure are cool. Sam and Jesse know the shit, that’s for sure. I hope that someday I can produce something as elegant as CGI::Application (and as confusing internally as C:A ;)

Jessie wrote me a short little e-mail today. I wrote her back right away, my message was at least 12 times longer. I wish, at least part of me does, that she had not written. I like to know that she is ok, but that type of thing just reminds me how much I miss her. And writing her back was a task … oh lord was it a task. I had to keep it detached, for if not she will be angry that I am living in denial. Yet, I could not be cold, for then she will be sad that I am angry. I could not be curt, for she would think that I do not want to speak with her, which is entirely untrue.

Do not get me wrong, I love that girl. But communicating with her from this type of distance, both physical, temporal and emotional is taxing. I feel like we are communicating over some broken protocol or something … a way of talking and communicating that used to work, but has since been abandoned for communicating with someone else (at least, I bet that is what Jessie is doing.) I cannot blame her, she is among people our age she does not know. I must say that I envy that a great deal. It certainly would be nice to be with her for the summer.

It is amazing how fast I can type on this keyboard. Something about the low resistance seems to speed up my typing but increase the number of errors I make. Perhaps with more focus I can reduce the number of errors and increase my word – per –minute rate. Shit, that reads like a typing class sentence. Time for me to go to bed.

Just one last note as to why I was up at this time of night on a work-day. Ashley (finally!) called me back and she is trying to score in Cincinnati right now, but I am beginning to suspect that I will not hear from her until tomorrow, like she said on the phone … if it is too late she will call tomorrow. I am beginning to feel as if it is too late now.

Monday, June 17, 2002

I’m just so fucking pissed. I want revenge on everyone and everything. Angry. And it always seems to all fall apart at the same time. They took my DSL is taken away, I run out of fun … all the same god damn time. Why couldn’t have run out of fun some other week? or couldn’t my DSL have been disconnected some week when Drew wasn’t planning on visiting? Or maybe some other combination of these terrible events in some other order, or some other combination? Did all of this have to happen at the same time? I mean, shit.

What the fuck did I do? Think you can fuck with me? Think you can keep me down? Bullshit.

Monday, June 10, 2002

Things have gotten a little better. Or at least, they have continued on. That is to say, I’m still here. Work is going well, progress with SAGE is satisfactory, at least to me. Nikki and I showed it to Heather this week – she seemed impressed but I think she is worried about getting a deployment on the timetable we’ve laid down.

Jessie left today. For the entire summer. I’m feeling pretty weird about that right now … we just said goodbye and she left. I feel numb. Perhaps this is because I’ve known for so long that she was going. I can’t even imagine how it would be if I hadn’t know ahead of time.

She is gone, and I cannot do anything about it. I cannot do anything but be myself, by myself, and wait. Well, I still have the choice of waiting, that at least I can keep always for myself.

Perhaps I will not wait. Perhaps she is right, we are not supposed to be together forever, and I know that deep down I must agree with her thoughts on other women. I don’t want anyone but Jessie right now, but perhaps if I hold to that, I’ll regret it later. I love Jessie for what she is trying to do – win me over, keep me but make sure that I don’t end up angry at her and in a relationship that neither of us really needed to start so early.

It is probably best if I go my own way now. If Jessie and I really love each other, we’ll find each other again. If we are destined to be with each other, God will work it out. In that, I have faith.