Monday, January 21, 2002

I talked to Jessica yesterday. Was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a long time. It was strange how quickly just seeing her destroyed all the detachment I’d built up. I don’t know if I can go on seeing her – or if I can go on not seeing her. I am in a difficult position – I cannot have her but I want to be near her. Being near her and not having her is painful to an extreme – looking but not being able to touch, not being able to say what I’m thinking. And seeing her just makes the time when I cannot even be within a few miles of her even more difficult.

I just need to GET OVER HER. It is absolutely critical that I build up my defenses and shut her out – only when I do that can I get on with my life. As long as I am thinking about her, I will be in hell. I need to put up my wall, and lock everyone out so I can fight for myself inside. I have a long difficult road of reclaiming my heart ahead – but I need to go forward … after all, that’s the only direction I have left to go … onward into the darkness, and with his post, I take the first step.

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