Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Hey thanks God. You gave me a great distraction … a girl named ‘Hope.’ If it is a sign, it is a good one. If it is a joke, it’s very funny. Either way it has gotten my mind off of the bad thing.

Game development continues. Today the game is all text based. Some of the features are hard coded, no scripting support, some of the items are structures instead of objects. Conversion to objects continues, and then enhancements to the push / pull nature of the server connection.

Hmmm … I drove to Athens tonight … crazy me huh? I’ve got work in like three hours – should I go to sleep or code?

Monday, January 21, 2002

I talked to Jessica yesterday. Was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a long time. It was strange how quickly just seeing her destroyed all the detachment I’d built up. I don’t know if I can go on seeing her – or if I can go on not seeing her. I am in a difficult position – I cannot have her but I want to be near her. Being near her and not having her is painful to an extreme – looking but not being able to touch, not being able to say what I’m thinking. And seeing her just makes the time when I cannot even be within a few miles of her even more difficult.

I just need to GET OVER HER. It is absolutely critical that I build up my defenses and shut her out – only when I do that can I get on with my life. As long as I am thinking about her, I will be in hell. I need to put up my wall, and lock everyone out so I can fight for myself inside. I have a long difficult road of reclaiming my heart ahead – but I need to go forward … after all, that’s the only direction I have left to go … onward into the darkness, and with his post, I take the first step.

Monday, January 14, 2002

Difficult

At home for lunch (as you can see from the timestamp.) This has been a very hard day thus far … I had trouble dragging myself out of bed this morning – talk about low motivation levels.

I don’t know what to do. My stomach aches now as bad as it did on Friday. At least last week it was only when I was thinking about the problem … now it is a dull, constant ache of loss. She is my world, and has been for a long time.

She has probably been thinking about doing this for some time now, I imagine. It must be hard on her, or perhaps not. Perhaps I’ve been so far away now that she has already felt the loss and dealt with it – now after she has gotten over me, she can dump me without emotional trauma. I however, did not see this coming. That bad feeling last week was not about my job, but about my life. I didn’t get fired from my job, I got let go by my life and by the woman I thought was my future wife.

I’m an idiot for moving here.

Sunday, January 13, 2002

I had a good weekend, Jessie wasn’t in a very good mood I don’t think – either that or she is mad at me. I hope not, I love her. I don’t know what she could be mad at me about though.

Thursday, January 10, 2002

Uh Oh!

Things took a turn for the worse today. Jeff has a ‘mandatory’ day off from work tomorrow – Heather probably doesn’t want me stressing him out when they fire me. I’m so nervous I could throw up … Jessie gives me comfort with her support, but it seems hollow from so far away. This time tomorrow, I’m going to be out of a job.

Wednesday, January 09, 2002

I guess my only hope is to clean up my act and try not to worry about it. Good luck to me on that one. I missed paying my January rent … just up and forgot to pay it before I left last weekend. Now I'm faced with the task of getting $650 in cash so I can buy a money order. I called People’s Bank today to find out if my paycheck had cleared … I was really hoping that it hadn’t … but the BITCH that I got on the phone informed me that it had … so my small balance is either (a) due to fraud or (b) due to the fact that I haven’t been managing my money very well as of late … must be (b) … shouldn’t have taken Jessie out on those shopping trips … and my credit card is about at my credit limit -- no hope of getting it paid down anytime soon.

Jesus I’m in a bad place right now … I could use some help God. A little encouragement or aid would be very much appreciated!

Wednesday, January 02, 2002

As you could tell from the timestamp I’m at home for lunch. The move to Miamisburg is completed at O’Neil – I officially live 2 minutes from work now. The ride is so short – the drive so easy! No highways, no merging, just 4 stoplights, two of which I’ve never gotten a red light on.

It is January 2, 2002 – the deployment date for the TRD. Things are pretty stressful at work right now – Jeff is flipping out and I’m bored. I wish I had started earlier in the TRD design so I wasn’t so detached.

I think Andrew is mad at me or something – he has been a little rude to me. Maybe it’s that he thinks I’m mad at him about the O’Neil, Larry Jageman, 121 N. Lancaster saga. Either way he has been a little strange on the phone recently …

Another bad thing right now is that Mother wanted Drew to talk to me about the $250 she ‘loaned’ me for the cellphone purchase. I was hoping to use that money to pay off some of my credit card bill – but I guess I’ll be giving it back instead. DAMN.